Un-Wonderbread

I'm picky about my bread.

Blame, as I see it, is placed on WAY too many Miracle Whip and bologna sandwiches as a kid.

Side note: Mom, hogs toes and fake mayo sandies are not, have never been nor ever will be, healthy, no matter how far you stretch the imagination.

What drives me away is the consistency that Miracle Whip turns bread.  I'm convinced there is some sort of chemical interaction that happens where the Miracle Whip simply overpowers flour to turn it to a yeasty paste.

The trouble, as I see it, is the middle of the sandwich.  As I explain:

Sandwich eating enjoyment can be plotted on a bell curve.

Imagine the X axis is a constant stream of sandwich enjoyment.  Each end of the bell curve spectrum, (-5, 5), represents the start and finish of one, unique, sandwich meal.

Plotted lines close the X axis represent a positive experience, while those further away show a plausible concern with the user's sandwich interaction.

Natural eating progression of a bologna and Miracle Whip sandwich starts at the crusty edge (-5) leads to the middle (0) and finishes with the opposing crusty edge (5).

Bread crust always gets a bad rap.

However, in this case I argue, pitting a bristly crust against an abrasive substance actually elevates the user's sandwich interaction (represented by a flat line on either end of graph A above).

The density-to-taste balance on the edges of the sandwich make that portion of the experience remarkable.

Now, as you approach the middle, Miracle Whip has two factors working in it's corrosive favor:

1. By the porous nature of bread, the weakest portion, in terms of penetration, is the middle of the sandwich

2. Due to typical* sandwich enjoyment, Miracle Whip is allotted more time to absorb and weaken the middle of the sandwich, as compared to the outside 

crust

As you approach the portion of the sandwich where the Miracle Whip is most dense, you are most anxious.  The pinnacle of your meal, so you think.

A bite from the heart of the fermented dough dispenses a glue like paste to the roof of your mouth.

Your concerns level grows, as charted above, as you first realize what is happening.  As your tongue engages to clear your palate and fails to jettison the lodged residue, an unsuitable experience spikes.

You are forced to enlist the help of your fingers to clear the emulsion.  The peak of your negative enjoyment - and the reason for my bread aversion.

*"Typical" assumes the sandwich is eaten as a solitary item and not sliced into pieces, i.e. diagonal cut, party squares, halfsies